In which The Inscrutable Chicken gets outweirded.
You: ola
Stranger: roflmywaffle
Stranger: !!
You: everybody wants to talk dirty to me
You: sigh....
Stranger: wild abra appears!
You: hooray!
You: (what's a wild abra?)
Stranger: and wants to talk dirty
You: okay - bring it....
Stranger: pokemon bitch!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Welcome to the first in a never-ending series of online chats with strangers.
Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hello
Stranger: hello
Stranger: asl
You: free puppies if you can guess my name
You: it's "adsl"
Stranger: sorry?..
You: "asynchronous digital subscriber line"
You: I have one - it's the latest way to get onto the internet
Stranger: I can speak English
Stranger: but little...
You: you are little?
Stranger: English little
You: guess my name correctly and I'll give you a puppy
You: you don't like puppies?
Stranger: like
You: okay, guess
Stranger: Em...........
Stranger: hint?
You: just give it a try
You: begins with "D"
You: ends with "ave"
You: no?
Stranger: David?
You: YES!!!!!
You: Where do I send the puppy?
Stranger: wow
Stranger: korea
You: oh, well you'll be needing extra puppies
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Not really, it’s rubbish.
Where to begin with this 2+ hour frontal lobotomy? I suppose I will have to go into the specifics of the film to point out the litany of absurdities – but to understand my points you will have to had watched the film so this post can only be effective if you are the kind of person that listens to people you don’t know on the internet (in which case, send money).
Since I’m not a professional film critic or blessed/cursed with a photographic memory, the following failings have been written down in no cohesive fashion just so I can get them down in writing before my brain purges the whole turgid mess as a survival instinct. So here goes:
When constructing a containment device for some explosive substance, it’s a good idea to have the backup battery last longer than 24 hours. Perhaps I may be so bold as to suggest a car battery which would have the added advantage of being rather heavy and therefore a little harder for a thief to make off with it?
When you buy your anti-matter containers, get them several sizes bigger than you think you’ll need in case you make more anti-matter than you originally anticipated. This has the added advantage of being rather bigger and heavier and therefore a little harder for a thief to make off with.
When purchasing a retina-scan door lock, why not tick the option boxes for the voice recognition and password deluxe package. This makes it less likely that a thief will kill an authorised person and remove their eyeball in order to escape the facility.
If you are a killer who has removed the eyeball of your victim, don’t just drop it on the floor after you used it for a retina scan – it’s makes extra work for the cleaners and they aren’t paid very well. It also might raise suspicion amongst people you pass in the corridor when they come across it.
If you are a world-class physicist, you probably have a decent brain on your shoulders. What of these two courses of action would you recommend upon seeing a bloody eyeball on the floor? A) Walk quietly past it to get to your own office, B) Run back the way you came, call the police and have security lockdown the facility?
I have another 297 examples of things that make you go “WHAAAA??!?!?” in the movie but I fear permanent brain damage if I write them all out. I’ll also alienate my last two readers so I’ll stop here.
This post was brought to you by the Royal Society of Stopping Tom Hanks from getting any richer.
What was that? I didn't warn you? What do you call these then?
http://tenminutesyourenotgettingback.blogspot.com/2008/10/look-more-closely-at-dates.html
http://tenminutesyourenotgettingback.blogspot.com/2008/06/dont-be-tempted-to-bottom-fish-in.html
Okay, so maybe I wasn't as clear as I could have been so let me spell it out in plain English for you – don't buy S&P500 before 400 or Dow Jones before 4,000 unless you like being poor. This piece of valuable advice is worth exactly what you are paying for it.
But there is nothing original to tell you. Come back in another year.
